A New Slope
Written by RJ Wotus
A long time ago, in a neighborhood far, far away, there stood a laboratory on
a hill. The name of the man who ran the laboratory was Lee Gee, but for the sake of this story we shall call him Brother Gee.
Inside his laboratory were seven people inside time capsules, four males and three females – they had been encased in
them for several years.
The names of the men encased in the time capsules were RJ, Jon, Paul, and Chip.
The females were named Julie, Megan, and Courtney. Now RJ was about 5'10 with very short black hair and glasses – a
very muscular and athletic chap. Physically he was 15 years of age, for none of them had aged during their stay in the time
capsules. He was considered very good-looking by most females of his era. His actual name was Richard Wotus II, but always
went by the name of RJ. However, in this story, we shall refer to him as Wodie.
Jonathan Metzinger was approximately 5'6 with blonde hair, not particularly muscular,
but knew how to use what muscles he had to his advantage. He had been 17 years of age when he had been enslaved by the time
capsules. Now, Jon was not good-looking at all, but for some reason, the ladies loved him. They would not stop flirting with
him, which annoyed the purgatory out of him. It can truly be said that Jon was the heartthrob of the galaxy. In this story,
although his name was Jon, we shall refer to him as the Loony Tune.
Paul was 8 years old – so young, you say. Yes, he was young, but a tough
little guy. He also had very short black hair. Some would call him a shrimp, but he was solid. He could take on any 10-year
old and give him a square fight.
Chip's birth name was Carl Beaumont II., but he had always gone by the name of
Chip to distinguish him from his father. He was also 15, only a month older than Wodie. He was only about an inch shorter
with short black hair. Now Chip had many talents, but he had one that stood out from the others. Chip had a gift for flirting.
His flirting ability rivaled that of Charles E. Smith, who enters into this tale at a later date. We will still call Chip
by the the name that he has always gone by, Chip.
Now I shall introduce you to the females of the group – first was Julie,
RJ's younger sister. She was about 5'5 with long dark brown hair and glasses. She was not what you would consider pretty,
but she was not ugly either. She was constantly doing stupid things and annoying Wodie, but she can be forgiven, for she is
just barely living in the realm of intelligence.
Megan Harbaugh, who is the daughter of Missionary Glenn Harbaugh, was 15 years
of age, approximately 5'5 with long light brown hair. She was, by most, considered pretty, but not the sort of pretty that
was vain about her looks. As the daughter of a preacher, she had learned at an early age that that was not a wise thing. There
had been some rumors circulating that the Loony Tune had liked her, but that was nothing but a bunch of cockamamie nonsense.
Courtney Winn, who was 15 years of age, was approximately 5'8 with long dark brown
hair, was somewhat pretty, and had been good friends with Wodie for some time. Brother Gee had decided to take them in and
to take care of them so that they did not fall into the wrong hands.
Now that I've introduced to you our main characters, we will plunge headlong into
an epic saga that you will not soon forget. At approximately 1500 hours, Brother Gee, who was wearing a lamp shade as a hat,
walked slowly up to the time capsules to observe them for a moment. Before long, he decided that he'd better get moving about
his business. He walked over to the control panel to the right of the time capsules. “I'd better not push the little
red button,” he thought out loud. “If I do, I'll wake them out of their, kinda, slumber, and I don't know what
that'll do to them. Oh, yeah; sure. Hmm, reminds me of the old days back on the farm...” He trailed off, not finishing
his sentence, for he had fallen asleep. His head fell on, guess what, the little red button, beginning the process that awoke
the seven 'teenagers' out of their suspended animation.
A few moments later, Wodie opened his eyes – he was the first to awake.
“That was the longest bedtime I've ever had. I think I could stay awake for weeks on end. I'm hungry enough to eat a...
a... a panda. But I think I'd rather eat a polar bear because pandas are too cool. That's what I'm talking about.”
The Loony Tune was the next to awake – he had grown a nice long brown beard
during his years in the time capsule. Apparently, something about his time capsule had made it grow a different color than
it naturally would, for his natural hair color was blonde. “Hey, I grew a beard in that stinking sardine can –
what do you know?” The rest of them tumbled out onto the floor, their legs not loose enough to even stand, for they
had been locked in place for several years.
RJ awoke Brother Gee and thanked him for freeing them. Brother Gee, upset at being
awakened, said grumpily, “You'd better watch it, you young whippersnappers always having your wild parties.”
Chip, evil as he was, glanced at Megan and said, “Oh Megan, forget Jon and
join with me in Holy Matrimony!”
'My heart,” replied Megan, “is only available for my blonde handsome
fellow named Jonathan.”
Chip threw himself in frustration out of the second story window and landed headfirst
in a pile of dog doodoo, knocking him out. Brother Gee chuckled in contentment upon viewing this blasphemous blunder. “Ooh,
They all walked out of the laboratory laughing, and went down the hill to the
plateau below. They gazed in disbelief above their heads at flying cars zooming by. They then noticed to their amazement that
there were no cars, bicycles, or even pedestrians traversing on the streets, which were as bare as a bald guy's head.
Then, out of the sky a large black dangerous-looking ship zoomed down towards
them and landed about twenty feet away with a loud thump. The ground shook at the impact – the door opened and a platform
rolled out like a giant tongue and came to rest a few feet away from them. Deep from within the vessel an ominous rumble could
be heard. Out came the fear of their lives – it was Megan's dad Glenn Harbaugh, who had been searching his daughter
for twenty years, but had not found a trace of her. He had about a dozen bodyguards armed to the teeth. He glanced at Megan,
then glared at the Loony Tune. 'You two aren't dating, are you? You'd better not be, because if you are, then this is your
last day on earth.'
'Uh... uh.... actually, I don't even like her, she's like a leech who follows
me around everywhere.'
Megan glared and said, 'Daddy, execute this maggot and his friends.'
RJ, in an obviously frightened tone, said, 'Actually he and I are just acquaintances
and we only know each other from the Internet.'
Brother. Harbaugh pondered for a moment, then ordered, 'Take only the blonde dufus
and my daughter, and leave the rest to whatever ill end fate would so decide.' The guards escorted the Loony Tune up the tongue-like
ramp and into the ship. After Bro. Harbaugh and Megan entered, the ship picked up and they saw it no more.
On his ship, which was by now several light-years away, Brother Harbaugh was developing
a plan. After a short time, he emerged from the captain's quarters and called for Megan to meet him at the brig. When they
met down there with the Loony Tune, who was locked up, Brother Harbaugh spoke. 'I have decided that I will give you a fair
and honest chance to earn my daughter's hand in marriage.
'We are going to let you off on a nearby planet named Hethbon, where you will
need to fight a man there by the name of Jebediah. He is a strong, sturdy man who is a trained fighter, the half brother of
Jeremiah – to tell you the truth, I'd rather have him marry her. There is a desert there of approximately five thousand
square miles. You will be dropped off in the exact center of that area, where you will meet him. You will be provided with
a choice of weapons to fight each other with. You will not be provided any food or water, but you will need to provide that
yourself as well.
'You will not fight to the death, but you must try to knock the other down to
the point where he is unconscious, or is too badly wounded to continue. The winner shall wed the fair Megan, and the loser
will be put to death – both judgments will be carried out swiftly and without question. Are we clear?'
'Do I get to watch TV,' asked the Loony Tune?
'No, you will not have the privilege of watching any television.'
'But I wanted
to watch Teletubbies. All the privileges grown-ups get,' muttered the Loony Tune in disgust. After sitting a moment in shallow
thought, he looked up. 'I accept your challenge; at least it'll get me out of certain death.'
Back on Earth, Wodie stared at into space unable to realize
what he must do. The Loony Tune was his friend and he had just betrayed him. Courtney saw him in his sorrow. “Don't
worry, we'll get him back,” she said inspirationally.
“Why aren't you in love with the Loony Tune?”
“Because I have standards,”said Courtney.
“I think you're the first one to actually do that,”
“I just don't see their logic – he's not even
“Finally someone who is able to view the situation rationally
and objectively,” said Wodie. “Well, I have decided that I need to figure out what to do.” He was very skilled
at using his brain, for he had an IQ of 325. At that moment, he heard a familiar sound in the distance. He could not identify
it because of how far away it was, but he thought it sounded a bit like a motorcycle. Remember, we must give him some credit,
for he had not heard a motorcycle in twenty years.
He peered out over the horizon in the direction which the
sound was coming from, and saw in the distance a motorcycle roaring towards him. It was traveling at an extraordinary rate
of speed – Wodie estimated 400 Miles Per Hour. Just thirty seconds after he had first sighted the great machine, it
roared up to them and came to a squealing halt, stopping two inches from the toes of Wodie, who had not budged.
“Wodie,” shouted the man who leapt off of the
motorcycle and gave Wodie a huge hug.
“Beck, it's been a long time. I haven't seen you in
a coon's age”
“Actually,” Beck corrected him. “I think
it's been four or five.” Beck had been one of Wodie's high school teachers, so he knew that sort of thing. “I
heard about your plight from way out yonder – word travels fast nowadays.”
“I'll say,” agreed Wodie. “But how exactly
do you intend to help us with just a motorcycle and that wagon thingamabobber you have on the back there?”
“Well Wodie, I'm glad you asked. I intend to put you
all into the wagon and drive you back to Mos Rispa, where I now live, and fly you all off on my starship. Once in space, you
can figure out where your young friend is, so you can rescue him.”
“Good idea,” said Wodie. “But how are we
going to stay in there at 423 miles per hour?”
“Wodie, I am amazed! How did you know that was my exact
speed coming over here?”
“Just an educated estimate,” said Wodie.
“I think that educated is an understatement,”
declared Beck in amazement. “Any-ways, you're going to have to get used to the new technology that we use these days.
I am going to activate a force field once you're in the wagon, and that will secure you until we get there. Any questions?”
“Well,” thought Wodie. “What planet are
we on, and how far away is Hethbon?”
“We are on the planet Taboo, and Hethbon is about five
thousand light years away. And, just out of curiosity, why do you ask about Hethbon, and furthermore, how do you know about
“I don't know – I sense something, I don't know
“I don't sense anything.”
“Not about the mission. It's something elsewhere, elusive.”
“Focus on the present. Keep your mind focused on the
here and now. By the way, did you just call me Master?”
“I guess I did, but I am completely unable to fathom
“Oh well. Alright, everybody, into the cart! We're pushing
off now.” With that, they all piled into the cart and Beck pushed the button, activating the force field. He then sped
off at 423 miles per hour towards the star-set, very similar to earth's sunset in many ways.
Far away on Hethbon, Loony fell out of the ship and landed
violently on a cactus. He bounced off it and landed on the ground. As he pulled himself up, holding his backside which had
made contact with the cactus, he glanced up. He saw there a man with no hair, wearing sunglasses, and standing very arrogantly
against the horizon. He actually sort of reminded him of Vin Diesel. He then realized that this must be Jebediah. “So
you're the worthless bag of scum I'm supposed to be fighting,” said Jebediah while eating a cheeseburger.
A cart appeared out of the dry, sandy, arid planet surface.
A lightsaber spoon, a butter knife, and a disc launcher were all on the cart.
“Pick your weapon, Loony boy,” shouted Jebediah
gruffly while looking at a picture of his sister Autum in his wallet.
The Loony Tune decided to pick the butter knife, since he
needed to comb his hair. Jebediah chose the disc launcher as he spat out a piece of his cheeseburger at the Loony Tune. Jebediah
began shooting discs furiously at the Loony Tune, but the Loon was deflecting them with the butter knife. After a few minutes,
Jebediah became bored, so he leapt up and booty slammed his glute on the Loony Tune's face, forcing him to fall backwards
into the sand.
“Now I will win Megan's hand, Loon, and destroy you,”
belched Jebediah. He snatched up the saber and it ignited with an evil glow. He anxiously stamped forward, ready to slice
Jon up, when out of the bright sky a bearded man with a pink lightsaber spoon stabbed Jebediah in the back. He made an ever
piercing “OW!” as he perished into the dunes of yesterday.
“Who are you?,” questioned the Loony Tune in amazement.
The man began to speak in a put-on British accent, but a good
enough one that it caused the Loony Tune believe it was real. “No-one of consequence.”
“I must know.”
“Get used to disappointment.”
“Phooey on it,” signed the Loony Tune in despair.
“Alright then, I am a servant of the Lord Emperor Sulkatine
on an errand of the utmost importance. I have been sent to you to request that you would join our Empire and to help us gain
control of the entire galaxy.”
“I'm sorry,” said the Loony Tune. “But I
can't do that – I just want to get back to my friends.”
“But you owe me!” shouted the man in anger as
he fired up the rockets that were on his feet. They propelled him up into the air and he flew away.
On their venture to Mos Rispa, Wodie and his gang were quite
comfortable in the back of the cart. In the distance, they sighted Beck's apartment. “Wodie, we're there,” said
Beck as they pulled into his driveway.
“Nice crib, Beck,” said Wodie as Beck pushed the
button turning off the force field.
“Thank you much.” On the side of his yellow painted
apartment was a ship called the Beckinator 2008.
“Ain't she a beaut,” asked. Beck with Pride
Courtney whispered to Chip, “How about you and I go
eat a sticky bun?” Chip nodded as they slipped off to the nearest Wal-Mart.
“You guys can go look around for a while,” said
Beck. “We'll be taking off in a little bit, after I show Wodie the place.” Wodie nodded as he and Beck went inside
to play video games. Paul decided to go look around, while Julie sat staring blankly at a piece of duct tape. As Courtney
and Chip were nearing Wal-Mart, Storm Troopers dressed in tuxedos appeared out of the sky.
“You two, stop where you are! By order of Bro. Harbaugh,
you guys are to be transported to his ship, along with Wodie and the others to watch the death of the Loon.” In an instant,
Courtney and Chip found themselves locked in the back of a compound truck in utter darkness.
About two dozen Storm Troopers headed for Beck's apartment
complex. RJ peeked out of the window and yelled a warning. Beck reached for his ray gun and tossed one to Wodie, as
they burst through the door.
“Take this, trooper scum!” shouted Beck as he
blasted away. Troopers fired like crazy, as one shot headed directly for Beck. Wodie, being the kind, compassionate person
that he was, hurled his body into the path of the oncoming laser. His whole body shook with vibrant waves. He collapsed to
the ground, sizzled and fried.
“No!!!!! Wotron!” screamed Beck.
Beck had no choice but to surrender, for RJ needed immediate
medical attention. “Take them back to base and lock them in a cell,” commanded the lead Storm Trooper. “We'll
transport them to Crater's ship in the morning.”
Aboard the vessel of Dark Crater, which was orbiting the planet
Senog, 400 light years away, Crater was patrolling the halls of the ship. Crater wore a frightening black mask that covered
the whole of his face and neck. “Admiral Piett,” spoke Crater. “What is that transmission that you have
just received? Play it for me.”
“Yes, my Lord,” Piett responded. He entered a
few commands on the computer and the transmission began to play.
It was a hologram of a Storm Trooper. “My Lord, we have
captured a group of rebels on the planet Taboo. I suspect that their leader, John Beckman, is a member of the secret rebellion
that is attempting to penetrate and destroy the Empire. We approached them and they began firing at us – we wounded
one, whose name is Wodie. He is getting medical attention as we speak. He has not yet regained consciousness, but he keeps
muttering something about the Loony Tune, and the need to rescue him. We captured two more, but we believe there may be more
of them. We are continuing to search the area for their friends – we will contact you with more details in the morning.”
“Good job, commander – I will be there within
the hour. I want to personally oversee the capture of the last remnants of the rebellion. There will be no one to stop us
Back at Mos Rispa, Julie sat attempting to eat her spleen,
but it wasn't working out well. Paul had just returned and was shocked to see troopers. “A Squad, go after Bubby. B
Squad... never mind, Julie's not worth the trouble,” said the Commander.
Troopers spread, while Paul somehow jumped an incredible height
up onto the top of Beck's apartment. “How did I do that?” shouted Paul in shock. Just then, an electric net shot
out at Paul, sending a jizzle down his spine, and knocking him out.
“Great work, commander. I see that you have trained
the rest of the scum well,” snarled Dark Crater, who appeared on a hovering moped-like speeder.
“You'll pay for harming Wotron!” shouted Beck
in anger as Crater stepped off of his speeder. Beck broke out of the restraining cuffs that were on his wrists and threw himself
upon Crater. He began to punch him furiously and, in a moment, had him in a headlock. Crater screamed in pain as Beck tightened
his grip against his neck.
But before he was able to continue his assault any further,
four Storm Troopers pounced upon him and, with all of their combined strength, were able to remove him from their master –
another Trooper assisted him back to his feet. Crater rubbed at the hard plastic part of the mask that covered his neck. It
was dented! Crater could not believe how strong and powerful this man was.
The Storm Troopers awaited Crater's command, but none came.
He was lost in thought, trying to figure out why this man had such an unmistakable yet indistinguishable familiarity about
him. He also had an unexplainable, inexplicable feeling that he had once been close friends with the man.
“Sir?” offered one of the Storm Troopers. “Are
you all right?”
“Yes,” Crater replied, being stirred from his
wondering. “Take them to the ship, and lock them in the brig. I'll deal with them later. I have something that I must
attend to now.” He walked away, breathing heavily in and out.
The Loony Tune had been wandering about Hethbon in search
for a city in which he might find someone to teleport him off this rock. After hours and hours of wandering the desert landscape,
he was exhausted, dehydrated, famished, and a few additional things not quite so important. Near death, he collapsed onto
a heap of rocks.
As LT lay unconscious on the rocks, a pink Hoover Tank sped along the horizon.
As it drew sufficiently close enough to see him, it turned aside in his direction. It came to a halt several feet away and
the hatch opened up. An incredibly beautiful blonde girl hopped out and rushed over to his side. She rolled him over and,
for the first time, gazed upon his face. She took pity on him and shouted aloud to her guards, “Guards, get down here
and help me with this extremely cute man who is dying. We must take him to Larry Town, where we will nurse him back to health
– he will get the most advanced medical treatment available. We must get him into shape, for he must reign with me as
my king. I saved his life, so it's the least that he can do for me.”
Carefully, the guards placed LT on a stretcher and carried
him into the tank. Ashlyn, for that was her name, stooped down and picked up a picture that had fallen from his pocket. It
was a photograph of LT and Wodie – she was not entirely aware who Wodie was, although she had known him several years
before. She then got back into the tank and sped off towards Larry Town where she ruled her people sternly, yet fairly.
Aboard Dark Craters ship, Beck and the gang had been locked
up in separate cells. “Guys, I think this is the appropriate time to tell you of the secret power of the Wodi,”
said Beck, but he didn't really say it – they were all telepathically linked, so they were thinking it. Chip lay sleeping
in the corner of his cell.
“Paul, I know that you have a special feeling inside
of you, but you don't know what it is, do you?”
“No I don't – I can feel it though,” thought
“You guys probably don't remember fighting the Smith,
the clones, or the Morons. Your memories were supposed to be erased, but I tampered with the erasure. Only some of your memory
was deleted – your feelings and past memories are safe inside your head, but as to how to use the Draft, you're clueless.”
“It's not like I don't want to be involved in this,
it's just that I wish the earth wouldn't have exploded,” thought Courtney angrily.
“Thats great!” yelled Beckman in his head.
“How is it great that the earth has been destroyed?”
Beck sent a thought wave back to her. “What's great is that you're getting your memories back. I
do hope Wodie gets well soon. Don't tell him, but he is the Chosen One.”
Deep inside Crater's ship was the medical center, where the
troops were treated. Wodie lay unconscious with battle wounds – Crater entered the room with a scowl, but it was not
visible for it was beneath his mask. He also had a very severe pimple and blackhead problem, which was a major portion of
the reason that he was called Dark Crater.
“Get him fixed! Ehm, let me rephrase that. Fix him up
and get him conscious at once. I have big plans for this one – he is the most powerful Wodi in the galaxy. I can't just
let him die. Even I have a heart – a heart to kill, that is. If he is going to die, then I must personally take
him out. I'll deal with the other insects later.”
With that comment Crater trotted over to Wodie. With his right hand he felt the
electrical field that surrounded Wodie. A shocking tingle ran down his hand – he was more powerful than Crater had expected.
Even unconscious, Wodie was one of the most powerful beings in the universe.
Crater pondered to himself, “He is too strong for even
me to take him – I think that it is time for me to put him out of his misery.”
Crater whisked out his fuchsia colored lightsaber spoon. His
hand swept forward to stab the unconscious form, but in a blink Wodie opened his eyes and was on his feet with Crater's spoon
in his hand.
Crater stepped back, then began to bark out an order. “Troops,
ready... aim...” But he stopped and thought for a moment, then said, “Stand down.” Wodie was flabbergasted
at Crater's statement.
“So, Lord Wodie, I have a proposition for you,”
said Crater with a twinkle in his eye that Wodie could not see, for it was behind the mask.
While shaving LT's beard off, Ashlyn kept thinking to herself
how much of a hunk this guy was. The feelings that were flowing through her were indescribable – every time she touched
his cheek, a feeling swept through her that felt to her like lightning.
“Where am I?” quizzed the loony one, who was just
now regaining consciousness.
“You're safe now,” Ashlyn said. “In
Larry Town, where I rule with a not-so-iron fist.”
His vision began to clear up and he began to gaze into the eyes of the gorgeous
blonde girl. An eternal feeling swept through the Loony Tune's body, one so powerful that he could not immediately identify
it. It was in his heart and in her heart. They both had incredible feelings for each other, yet they didn't feel the need
to show each other their love just yet. LT felt a crown on his head as he pulled himself up off the ground.
“What is with the pointy object upon my skull?” asked the Loony Tune.
“Its your crown, my lovely hunk of man-flesh.”
“Your lovely what?”
“My oh-so-lovely hunk of man-flesh, wow!”
“Well thank you, you're quite beautiful yourself. In
fact, you're really gorgeous.”
“Oh thank you, you handsome hunk! By the way, what's
your name, you incredibly fair-skinned man?”
“I'm the Loony Tune, but you can call me anything you
“Well, then I'll call you my Lovely Target, okay?”
she asked as she fluttered her eyebrows.
“That's fine with me,” responded the Loony Tune.
“And what is thy name, my lovely flower?”
“I am called, by many, Queen Ashlyn of Larry Town, but
my full name is Ashlyn Bloom, and yet again, I must say that you are very cute.”
“Thank you yet again, and I cannot let pass a compliment
aimed toward me without returning one towards you, for I say unto you, that you are beautiful, and your beauty far surpasses
the beauty of a rose that grows upon a mountainside on a faraway landscape near the Eastern sea.”
“Hug me, will you, my Lovely Target?”
“I shall do it gladly, my fair flower,” replied
the Target as he pulled her in his arms for a lovingly romantic hug. The feeling that swept through them both was even more
powerful than the one they had felt moments before when he had first laid eyes upon her.
After a few moments, she pulled away and began to speak to
him. “Oh, my dear Lovely Target, I still have not yet explained why it is that you have that crown on that incredibly
majestic head of yours.”
“I care not, my darling, so long as it involves our
feelings for each other. And before you inform me of the fate that is attached to this crown, I must tell you, the pulchritudinous
lady that stands before me, that I love you.”
“And so do I, my sweet,” she replied and they
embraced each other once again. “Now, I must tell you of the destiny that lies with the diadem that sits upon thy lovely
scalp. You shall reign with me as my King, as ruler over all Larry Town, for I rescued you and I love you.”
“I hear and I obey, my love,” replied the Target
as he pulled her closer. They continued hugging in that manner for nigh upon half an hour, before they went their separate
ways, her to the Queen's chamber, and he to another royal room in the palace.
Meanwhile, aboard Crater's ship, which was approaching the planet Tattooing, Beck
awoke from a much-needed rest. He thought for a moment, watching the guards as they dozed off to sleep while on guard duty.
“Idiots,” thought Beck as he began to formulate a plan for escape. After a few minutes, he had come up with one.
“Hey guys,” he thought so loud that he awoke the rest of the gang.
“Okay, I'm up – I'm up,” thought Chip in a startled brainwave.
“Aw mom, just five more minutes,” thought Courtney.
“Okay, Beck – did you figure out how we're going to escape yet?”
thought Paul eagerly.
“Yes, I have been able to deduct our reasonable course of action, simply
by studying the behavior of our drowsy friends over there,” he thought, pointing toward the guards, who leaned against
the door posts, fast asleep. At that moment, he closed his eyes and stretched his hand out towards the guard on the left.
The keys began to lift out of the guard's pocket and slowly moved towards Beck.
“Beep Blip Bleep,” thought Chip in amazement. “Oh, I mean, uh, whoa!”
The keys slowly made their way between the bars and into Beck's hands. He closed
his hands upon them and opened his eyes. He then put them into the keyhole to his cell and turned it – the door opened
with a loud creak. He cringed. Fortunately, the guards slept on. He then did the same in the keyholes of the other three semi-heroes.
They stood up and began to follow him towards the door. He put his hand behind him, signaling for them to stop. They stopped
a few feet behind him while he approached the guards.
He had learned, while he was studying them, that they were very deep sleepers.
He picked one of them up by the waist and put him in his cell. He then threw the other over his shoulder and put him in another
cell, then locked them both. He locked another cell door between them and threw the keys inside where it would be extremely
difficult to get at them. They then turned toward the door and made their way out.
They walked down the hall for a few moments, before they reached a point where
it crossed with another hall. Beck stopped and looked around the corner – there were three storm troopers coming towards
him. He pulled himself back and pressed himself flat against the wall, then signaled for the others to do the same. He telepathically
informed them of his plan and waited for the troopers to approach. When they came to the adjoining hallway, they began to
pass without glancing over. Beck then grabbed one by the throat and pulled him backwards. The trooper tried to fire his gun,
but Beck grabbed his arm and aimed it at the other troopers. They dropped where they stood. Beck then bashed the other trooper
on the head, knocking him out.
“Someone will have heard that.” They then began to run down the hall
with great urgency, knowing that more Storm Troopers were soon to be on their tail.
Crater and Wodie huddled over a mechanical robot. “Since you have joined me, I
shall now call you Lord Wodie. Now tell me, should my robot army be green colored or purple,” asked Crater.
think green, since its the color of puke,” said Lord Wodie.
Crater and Wodie had decided to band together, to join together as a one to defeat
the armies that opposed them. “Don't underestimate the power of the dark slide,” said Crater.
“Come on my greenhorn, I have much to teach you,” commanded Dark Crater
as Lord Wodie followed him into a white padded room. Troopers above the room started clicking buttons and tapping in codes.
The room changed into a jungle wetting, with Crater standing, smirking beneath his mask.
“Come on, Wodie. Let us have a practice fight, so that we can be more powerful
in combat mortal against our enemies,” barked Crater. Wodie nodded and yanked out his golden lightsaber spoon. The color
of the spoon was always changing, but Wodie never understood the reason for it.
Back and forth sparks flew as their spoons clanked together. “You were trained
well, my greenhorn,” complimented Crater.
“Yes, but yet I don't remember who it is that trained me.” During
the course of the conversation, Crater had nearly knocked Wodie's spoon to the ground. Eventually, Wodie sent Craters spoon
soaring into the air, as he kicked him in the gut. Crater groaned loudly.
“Good for today,” he said as he picked himself up. “Now I must
show you one of my many talents,” cackled Crater as he reversed the gravity in the room, using his anti-gravity blast,
which made Wodie float into the air helplessly. Crater pounced into the air and landed a swift kick to Wodie's buttocks, sending
him crashing into the floor as the anti-gravity wore off.
“How did you do that?” questioned Wodie.
“I will show you, greenhorn. All in good time. All in good time,”
Crater said delightfully.
Racing down the halls, Beck and the crew were running for their lives as blaster
shots fired all about them. In an instant, Courtney was shot in the back. She collapsed to the ground muttering the words,
“Go save Wod....”.
Beck spun around, but he realized it was too late to save Courtney, so he told
everyone to hurry it up. Chip, disobeying orders as usual, stood behind and knelt down right beside Courtney. A blaster shot
hit him in the eye, bending his neck backwards. Troopers high-fived each other in victory, but Chip's neck made cracking sounds,
then returned to normal. The troopers were stunned as Chip got up and began to strangle 5 all at one time with his long, bending
fingers. One of the troopers gasped in his last breath, “What the wooo are you?” The remainder of the troopers
were spread around the hall, dead.
Chip scowled, then picked up Courtney and threw her over his shoulder as he attempted
to catch up with Beck.
Meanwhile down the hall Beck halted to a stop, when he realized Paul was the only
one following him. “Paul, I did it again,” Beck moaned.
“I let a comrade fall to the ground for a second time.”
“It happened before?”
“Yes, but there's no use in dwelling in the past. I think its time that
we get out of here.” Paul nodded as they ran towards a huge metal door.
Inside was a nice shiny ship which looked like a falcon. “Oh my. I can't
believe I've found her again. The Century Falcon,” Beck said, nearly crying. As he reminisced about all of the beautiful
memories he had shared with this ship, blasters fired everywhere. “Into the ship. Now!” yelled Beck.
“What about RJ and the others?” worried Paul.
“We will have to come back,” said Beck as he entered into the ship.
“Wait,” shouted Paul. “Here comes Chip, and Courtney with him!”
They all clambered into the ship and closed the hatch just before they zoomed off at the speed of sound into the galaxy to
save the Loony Tune.
“My majestic Target, what shall we do?” asked Ashlyn as they stood
outside the palace.
“My statuesque princess, I suggest that we go to Wal*Mart and purchase shampoo,
so that we can fiddle with each other's hair.”
“You always have to pay the fiddler before you dance, don't you?”
pried the princess.
After she had said that, LT began to sing lyrics from The Court Jester
– the song was entitled 'The Maladjusted Jester'.
“When I was a lad, I was gloomy and sad as I was from the day I was born.
When other lads giggled and gurgled and wiggled, I proudly was loudly forlorn. My friends and my family looked at me clammily,
thought there was something amiss. When others found various antics hilarious, all I could manage was this: hu-ha, or this
he-hay, or this: hoo-hoo-hoo-hee-hahahaha.
“'My father', he shouted, 'he needs to be clouted; his teeth on a wreath
I'll hand him!' My mother, she cried as she rushed to my side, 'You're a brute, and you don't understand him.' So they sent
for a witch with a terrible twitch, to ask how my future impressed her. She took one look at me, and cried 'Hee-hee-hee-hee-hee-hee,
what else could he be but a jester?' 'A jester?' 'A jester?' 'A funny idea, a jester.' No butcher, no baker, no candlestick
maker, and me with the look of a fine undertaker impressed her as a jester?
“But where could I learn any comical turn? It was not in a book on the shelf.
No teacher to take me, to mold me and make me a merry man, fool, or an elf? But I'm proud to recall that in no time at all,
with no other recourses but my own resources, with firm application and determination, I made a fool of myself!
“I found a bow an arrow, and I learned to shoot. I found a little horn,
and I learned to toot. Now I can shoot and toot, ain't I cute?
“I was barely enthused, but the King was amused and before his siesta he
made me his jester, and I found out soon that to be a buffoon was a serious thing as a rule, for a jester's chief employment
is to kill himself for your enjoyment. And a jester unemployed is nobody's foooooooooooooool!”
“Oh, you do have a beautiful singing voice, my handsome Target,” praised
“Why, thank you, my majestic Marigold, but I must give ample credit to my
voice lesson teacher Sharon Berawa.”
“Oh, she does marvelous work. By the way, my father stopped in yesterday
and expressed interest in seeing the wounded man that I had rescued. That was before you had awoke, so I told him that he
could see you as soon as you had fully recovered.”
“Well, that sounds lovely, my sweet sunflower. By the way, who is your father?
I believe that I'm beginning to remember you from before the dark times, before the Smith, and before the freezing of the
“My father's name is Scott Bloom, and he's Store Manager of Larry Town Wal*Mart,
and was the Store Manger of Wal*Mart in Corry, Pennsylvania before the Earth was destroyed.”
“Yes, I remember. Is he a tall handsome figure of a man?” She nodded.
“Dashing, suave, debonair?” She nodded again. “Scott was his name, right?”
“Yes, you're right – you knew him?”
“Yes! Scott is cool! He is the embodiment of the statement 'Walk softly,
but carry a big stick'. Oh, he was such a cool boss.”
“Oh, you worked at the Corry Wal*Mart Super center?”
“So you're on good terms with my father than?”
“Very much so, or was the last time I spoke with him. I was known simply
as Jon back then.” At that moment, a man approached from the Southwest who looked strikingly familiar to the Loony Tune.
He walked up the palace steps and gave Ashlyn a loving embrace. “Hey dad,
how are ya? This is the wounded man that I rescued – his name is the Loony Tune. He says he used to work at the Wal*Mart
in Corry before the Earth was destroyed.”
“Yes, I believe he did – Cashier Jon, am I right?” he asked
as they shook hands. “Store Number 2909 – where Sam's dreams are yours and mine,” they chanted together.
“The big man, the big Jon - it's so great to see you again. What's goin'
“Well, it's a long story...”
“You'd better sit down, dad,” Ashlyn advised her father.
“Oh,” said Scott. “Before you start, I have something here that
you may be able to help me with. It's a penguin that I've been trying to find a home for it quite some time. It's previous
owner claimed that he was a Scottish Penguin, but I never did understand that.”
“Yes sir, I believe I know of a place where he can stay – my friend
Wodie has always wanted a penguin, but they were always too expensive. Hey, what's his name anyways?”
“Well, his name is Onion. Unusual name for a penguin, but that's what the
other guy called him.”
“Thank you very much, Scott. Hey, by the way, I'd like to talk to you for
a few minutes, alone.” Ashlyn nodded in acknowledgment as they walked off down the hill. “Well sir, your daughter
rescued me the other day when I was near death, and well, I've begun to take a real liking to her, and she with me.”
“I could tell,” chuckled Scott. “The way she was beaming when
you were there, I haven't seen her that happy for a long time. And how excited she seemed when we were talking about you the
other day, it's unmistakable.”
“Well, sir, to the point: I'd like to ask for your daughter's hand in marriage.
I know that I love her, and that she loves me too – we've already told each other as much.”
“Tune, I'd be honored to have you as my son-in-law, and I proudly give you
permission to ask my daughter to marry you. Were you not to become King of Larry Town, I'd also offer you a job at Wal*Mart,
but I'm sure you'll be too busy for that.”
LT and Scott shared a huge embrace. “Thank you,” and after a short
pause added, “Dad.”
Passing asteroid after asteroid, Paul and Beck were searching the universe for
any trace of the Loony Tune. They didn’t actually care a great deal for him, but they seemed to be under the impression
that Wodie cared about his general well-being. Little did they know, that at that very moment, Wodie was participating in
a practice duel with Dark Crater, confiding in him that LT was, in all actuality, a complete moron who couldn’t even
take care of his own diapers.
“I've picked up some life readings on the planet Wataneewie. It sits horizontally
congruent to Hethbon,” explained Paul.
“Good, then maybe we can get some answers,” Beck said contentedly.
With less than a moment's hesitation, the Falcon rocketed towards Wataneewie at a high rate of speed.
Back on Craters ship, Admiral Piett had just received an incoming transmission
from none other than the Looney Tune.
“Sir, our secret phone line services have just intercepted an important
phone call from Mr. Tune, our quarry. He was apparently attempting to reach Pastor Pilling, who lives on the planet Presbyterianic,
and has for several years now been preaching to and marrying the care-bear like creatures and the Pooh-bear like grizzlies
that inhabit that flower infested planet.”
“Excellent. This will be a chance to see where Lord Wodie's loyalties really
lie. We will crash the wedding and he will meet his destiny. Also, Piett please buy gifts for the bride and the groom –
I cannot interrupt a wedding without the proper ordinances,” sleeted Crater.
“But my majestic target I don't think that we should have the wedding so
soon – not all of my acquaintances will be ready,” pleaded Ashlyn.
“But, my dear lovely sweet-smelling chrysanthemum,” he said as he
looked deep into her eyes with deep, unconditional love sparkling in his own. “I love you too much to wait any longer,
and can you honestly believe that our love can wait to fully blossom?”
Ashlyn, mesmerized by his genuinely entrancing loving gaze, finally succumbed
to his plan of action. “Yes, my dearly beloved Target, I see your point of view. As much as I wish for all of my relatives
and the acquaintances that I hold dear to be here to witness this grand and marvelous occasion, I realize that we cannot possibly
hold back our love any longer. And I greatly wish to share with you a beautiful, soft, velvety kiss.”
“As do I, my sweet, but you must keep in mind that the marvelous proclamation
of our love of which you speak must wait until our physical and spiritual union at the ceremony. And if your relatives and
your acquaintances that you love so very dearly love you with the same measure of love, they will be here at the time appointed
– they will not fail you. Do you have faith, as I do, that they hold you as dear as you do them?”
“Our love, my mighty Target, gives that faith to me. And, dear, do you realize
that we've just had our first argument?”
“I do, my gorgeously flourishing blossom, but a good argument generally
strengthens the relationship. And in this case, I believe with every fiber of my being that it has done just that.”
“Very well then; the wedding shall take place three hours from now at 1600
hours – it shall be at the Dagobah Baptist Church on the corner of Luthien Street and Romulus Boulevard.”
While Ashlyn was only beginning the above-mentioned sentence, Scott entered the
room. “I couldn't help overhearing your wedding plans, you two lovebirds. I can't fathom a reason as to why you would
need to get married tonight – couldn't you at least wait a month?”
“But, Daddy,” pleaded the priceless prism of practicality. “We
love each other too much to wait any longer. Besides, I don't want to be old and sterile when we finally get married.”
“Honey,” chuckled Scott. “You're far from being sterile, and
you're dead sure not old.”
“I'm 30 years old!”
“But you're still beautiful,” Scott assured her.
“I second that,” stated the Loon. “But our love is too full
and beautiful right now to wait any longer. Sir, I am asking you this as your son-in-law: will you respect and accept this
decision that we have made together, for the love of your daughter?”
Scott paused for a moment and looked at Ashlyn, pondering these things in his
heart. “I suppose that, when you put it in terms like that, I have no choice but to agree.”
“And could you help us out with some odds and ends for the wedding. Please,
Daddy,” pleaded Ashlyn as she gave him the sad puppy dog look.
“Alright sweety, you leave me no choice,” chuckled Scott. “I'll
get assistant managers Jack and Jeremiah to be valets for the spaceship parking, and Bob, Clayton, Chet, and Don to handle
the coat check. I think I can persuade Jack and Jeremiah to handle security as well. All right with you two romantics?”
“Thanks, Dad,” they both said as they embraced him lovingly and appreciatively.
Meanwhile, Paul, Beck, and the others were arriving on Wataneewie, and the first
thing they were looking for was a doctor. They needed to get Courtney immediate medical treatment. Beck and Paul leapt out
of the ship and dashed to the nearest phone booth, where they found a telephone book. They tore it open to the yellow pages,
where they found a listing for 'Dr. Whoops and Dr. I. Dîdn'tdóit,' whose slogan was 'Whatever your health issue, we think
we can fix it.'
Generally they would have avoided doctors with such names, but at the moment they
didn't care – these two met the only requisites they needed: they called themselves doctors. They rushed into the ship
to find Chip in a semi-comatose state, lying next to Courtney. Paul picked up Courtney and threw her over his shoulder, then
they turned and ran down the ramp towards the office of Dr. Whoops and Dr. I. Dîdn'tdóit.
They rushed inside the office to find the two doctors sitting in front of a television
set playing a re-release of Dr. Mario on XBOX. “Guys, shut that stinking thing off,” shouted Beck. “We have
an emergency – this woman has been shot in the back. She needs emergency medical surgery!”
The shorter man, who appeared Chinese, without turning his head, said, “Who
shot her?” His accent was anything but Chinese.
“Dr. I. Dîdn'tdóit, I presume?” questioned Beck in anger, receiving
a nod in response. “It doesn't matter who shot her! Alright, if it'll make a difference in whether or not you'll treat
her, I'll tell you. She was fired upon by servants of the Empire! Now get to work.”
“We do not treat enemies of the Empire,” said Dr. I. Dîdn'tdóit with
the same ridiculous accent.
Beck's eyes began to turn red from anger. “Listen here, Dr. Idîót,”
he shouted as he grabbed the man by the back of the neck and picked him up. He turned him around and grabbed hold of his collar.
“If you want to live to see your next high score on Dr. Mario, then you'd better do as I say.”
“Alright, alright, we'll do as you say!” screamed the man. Beck released
the man and Paul set Courtney carefully down on the hospital bed that was in the corner. The two men set to, what appeared
to be work, on her right away.
1540 Hours, Hethbon. The day of the wedding arrived, or more precisely, the hour
of the wedding arrived. Ashlyn stood in her room, still primping her hair. She could just imagine LT standing there, assuring
her that she was already gorgeous enough for the wedding, but she couldn't stop there. She wanted to absolutely blow him away
with her awe-inspiring, absolutely pulchritudinous beauty. There was no room for flaws now – no room for less than the
most beautiful that she could be.
Mr. Tune was in the next room gelling his hair and combing it. All he could think
about the whole time that he was doing it was Ashlyn's gorgeous face. He could simply not wait until Pastor Pilling said 'I
do' and their lips were locked together in a public display of their undying love for each other. For five minutes, he continued
to comb his hair while imagining her truly beautiful face.
1545 Hours, 25 Light years from Hethbon. A dark space speeder zoomed through space
towards Hethbon at double the galaxy speed limit, 100 LYPH. Inside the ship were three men, Dark Crater, Lord Wodie, and Admiral
Piett. Piett was piloting the vessel and Crater was using the Draft to ensure that no Galaxy Police Officers would be anywhere
near their path and they would not get pulled over. Wodie was reading the latest issue of Panda Awareness.
“Piett, how close are we to Hethbon, and what time will we make it there?”
“We're 25 Light Years away, Lord Crater, and we are set to arrive at 1600
hours, the exact time which the wedding starts.”
“Good – are you speeding, Piett?”
“Yes, my Lord – I'm going 100 LYPH, double the speed limit.”
1600 hours, Hethbon. Pastor Pilling, a tall round man with a black hood hanging
over his face, was standing on the platform at the Dagobah Baptist Church awaiting the arrival of the rest of the wedding
party. One member of the wedding party was Autum S. Millican, a cousin of Ashlyn's. Her faith had not failed her, as every
last one of the relatives that she had worried might not make it had put forth the extra effort to be there. Scott, with Ashlyn's
arm in his, began to walk down the aisle.
1601 hours. Out in the parking lot, Jack and Jeremiah had just finished parking
the last speeder, when a large dark one began to descend out of the sky at a very high rate of speed. They both stared up
at it as it loomed above them and neared faster and faster. Finally, it landed so close to Jeremiah that he actually bounced
off of it and began to roll away from the church. Jack reacted quickly and ran on an intercept course towards Jeremiah. He
stood in Jeremiah's path and when Jeremiah hit him, he gave no ground.
1602 hours. Inside the church, the groom was making his way towards the platform.
As soon as he laid eyes on Ashlyn, he was stunned and amazed. He actually stopped walking for a moment because he could not
think straight. When he finally began walking again, a few moments later, one of his hairs sprung up against the will and
consent of the gel. He heard the voice of an old man in the back of the church utter “He can't have a wedding with a,
kinda, wigwam on his head.” The groom did not even hear him, for he was focused on Ashlyn, and no disconcerting remark
or discontented follicle would take that away from him.
1603 hours. Jeremiah pulled himself up with the help of Jack, and the spaceship
door opened up. Jack and Jeremiah manually transported themselves to the end of the ramp and awaited the unknown VIP's to
exit. “I wonder who it is,” whispered Jack. “To my knowledge, everyone on the invite list has already arrived.”
“Well,” responded Jeremiah. “We'll just have to wait and find
A tall figure dressed in black, wearing a mask, materialized in the smoke at the
top of the ramp and began to walk down it. As he approached the halfway point of the ramp, which was rather long, another
figure crystallized out of the smoke at the top. His appearance was more conventional, appearing more like a male humanoid
life form. Something about him looked somewhat familiar to Jack and Jeremiah, but they could not quite place it.
“Uh, sir, we'll have to see your ID to confirm that you're on the guest
list,” Jeremiah informed him.
“I'm 35 and you're carding me?” murmured Crater, although they knew
not yet that he was, in fact, Crater.
“Well, the regulations say to ask for ID from anyone appearing to be under
the age of 27, and frankly, sir, with that mask on, it's expressly difficult to approximate your age.”
1604 hours. The bride and groom had taken each other's hands and Pastor Pilling
was beginning to speak the vows. “Do you, Loon take her, Ashlyn, to be your lawfully wedded wife, to have and to hold,
from this day forward, for better, for worse, for richer, for poorer, in sickness and in health, till death do you part?”
“Do you, Ashlyn, take him, Loon, to be your lawfully wedded husband, to
have and to hold, from this day forward, for better, for worse, for richer, for poorer, in sickness and in health, till death
do you part?”
1605 hours. “All right,” succumbed Crater. “My name is Dark
Crater, and I am the leader of the Intergalactic Empire. You should have heard of me by now.” Whilst all of this was
going on, Piett had already crept by them and had sneaked into the back of the auditorium.
“Yes sir, I have,” admitted Jeremiah. “But you're not on the
invite list. I'm sorry, but I must refuse entrance to you.”
“Come on, the Bride's father is my cousin. He is the son of my mother's
brother Philip. I'm a close relative of the bride.”
“I'm sorry, sir, relative or no relative, I can not let you pass.”
“Sir,” interrupted Jack. “If you were a beautiful girl, I would
let you pass, but since you're not, we can not do any such thing.” Jeremiah shot Jack a hard glance and Jack rephrased
his last statement. “You may not pass, no matter what.”
“Oh, shut up – I am Dark Crater, and you can not refuse to let me
pass. Wodie?” Wodie set his phaser for stun and fired at Jeremiah. The first laser bounced off of Jeremiah and hit Jack,
stunning him. Wodie fired a second laser, which penetrated and stunned Jeremiah. Jeremiah bounced off of the pavement several
times before lying still.
1606 hours. Pastor Pilling turned towards the penguin, Onion, who was the ringbearer.
“Bring forth the rings.” Onion obediently brought the rings, which were on a fancy plush pillow which was balanced
on his beak, to them. The Target took one of them in his right hand and Ashlyn's left hand in his own. He then took her ring
finger, and slipped the ring onto it. Ashlyn repeated his actions, taking the other ring in her right hand and his left hand
in hers, then sliding the ring onto his finger.
“You may now kiss the bride.” No sooner had he said the 'k' on the
word 'kiss' than Target and Ashlyn were locked in a lovingly passionate kiss. To the Loon, everything in the universe seemed
perfect and he had no worries. There were no friends that he had to get back to; there was no kingdom that he had to rule
and to judge. There was no strange and mysterious minister who had just married them; there was just him and Ashlyn. Several
moments later, when they released each other and stepped back, they realized how glad they both were that they had waited
until this point to kiss each other. No doubt, they had been tempted earlier, by each other, and by other people. But the
fact that this was the first kiss for them both made it all the more special, and all the more enjoyable.
Meanwhile, on the planet Wataneewie, Courtney was recovering from emergency medical
surgery. A very wide female-looking robot with a dorky-looking pony tail entered the room that she lay, opening her eyes.
“I am Dale,” she said in a fully automated voice. “I will help you recover from your sickness.” She
also had a pink shirt on that said 'I am a pig.'
Courtney hopped out of her bed and back-handed the robot so hard that a few screws
flew across the room. “Like beans you are! I'm healthy enough as it is, and I'm going to get out of here and help the
others.” She stormed out of the room to find Dr. Whoops and Dr. I. Dîdn'tdóit sitting in front of the television playing
Dr. Mario on their XBOX. “Stupid blankety-blank morons,” she muttered under her breath as she walked by them.
She walked out the door and, to her left, she saw the ship sitting with the ramp
down with Beck and Paul standing underneath it talking. She ran with all of her might over to them, and when Beck saw her,
he stretched out his arms in a welcoming embrace. “Oh, Courtney, I'm so glad you're alive. I thought for sure those
stupid doctors would mess you up somehow. I couldn't stand the thought of your death; you're like a daughter to me. Wait a
minute, what's this?” he said as he let her go. “You're not all human.” He was right, for the only parts
of her that were human flesh were her legs, face, and lower arms. The rest was metal and mechanical gadgetry.
Courtney glanced down at herself and screamed. “I'm part.... robot.”
“And part lettuce, as I observe,” said Paul as he pulled a lettuce
leaf from her hair and ate it. “Well, it doesn't taste too bad, as far as lettuce goes. I prefer broccoli though.”
“Oh, my beautiful hair!!” shouted Courtney in distress as she held
a patch of lettuce in front of her face, looking at it in anguish.
At that moment, Chip yawned and staggered down the ramp. When he saw Courtney,
he awoke fully. “Courtney, you're all better!”
“But I'm not the same anymore – see, I'm part robot, and my beautiful
hair has been replaced by lettuce!” She began to cry.
Chip rushed down to her side and she began to cry on his shoulder. “Courtney,
you're still just as beautiful as you were before..”
“Oh, you're just trying to make me feel better – you don't really
believe that,” she sobbed on.
“No, I'm not lying,” he assured her as she wiped away her tears. “You
truly are just as beautiful as you were before. And I still love you.”
“Thank you, Chip, my darling, and I love you too.”
“Quickly, we must go,” ordered Beck. “I sense that we must get
to nearby planet Hethbon as quickly as possible. I sense that LT is in trouble.”
Meanwhile, back at the ranch, or in all actuality, at Dagobah Baptist Church,
Target and Ashlyn stood at the altar facing the congregation. Pastor Pilling began to speak. “I present to you Mr. And
Mrs. Loony Tune.” The congregation applauded as they gave each other yet another very passionate kiss. At that moment
the main door to the auditorium was kicked down from the other side. LT and Ashlyn stood, still kissing passionately. As the
dust cleared, two men became visible. One was tall with a dark suit and mask, the other was of a more conventional appearance
with thick glasses and short black hair.
“All right everybody, stay calm!” shouted the man in black, who was
Crater. At that moment Ashlyn pulled away from the kiss and they both turned to look towards Crater, still holding hands.
“I'm just here to break up the wedding – I don't have anything against any of you.”
“You have a lot of gall to come here right now and break up our wedding,
our declaration of love for each other,” spoke the Target. “And Wodie, I can't believe you'd be a part of this!”
“Shut up and hand her over to me!”
“Never!” said LT with a ferocious light in his eyes that none in the
room had ever seen in them before.
“You leave them alone, you incompetent rascals,” said Scott as he
stood between them. “You'll have to go through me to get to them.”
“So be it,” snarled Crater as he glanced down at his belt. “Now
which lightsaber spoon should I use?” he pondered to himself. “The green one, the the orange one, or the red one?”
He finally decided upon the red one and he pulled it out.
LT looked at the other two and, to his surprise, they detached from Crater's belt
and began to float towards him. 'NOOOO!” shouted Crater.
“Scott, take one!” Scott reached up and took the green one from the
air and ignited it. The orange one continued to float until the Loon caught it. He looked at it for a while, attempting to
figure it out. Attempting to ignite it, he accidentally adjusted the length of the blade, then caught sight of the word 'On'
next to another button. He flipped the switch, only to find that the blade came out just twelve inches.
Crater approached Scott and ignited his lightsaber spoon. He attempted a swift
slash to the right, only to have it deflected by Scott. “D-word,” Crater muttered.
“Such language – hasn't your mother taught you better?” queried
Scott as he deflected another slash to his right.
During all of this, Wodie jumped over them, flipped several times in the air and
landed next to the Loon and Ashlyn. “Step away, wench – this fight is between me and the Lunatic.” Ashlyn
initially refused, but when her beloved Target pulled his lightsaber spoon up before his face and ignited it, she moved away.
“I have no quarrel with you, good sir knight. Your are my friend, Wodie,
and I do not wish to fight with you.”
“Well, if I were you, I'd fight me, because Crater is planning on taking
your wench there captive.” At that, LT began to hack and to slash aggressively with his puny 12-inch lightsaber spoon.
“Fly, Peter Pan, fly,” mocked Wodie. “Oh, I'm really scared.”
Scott began to take the offensive against Crater and was starting to get the upper
hand. Crater stepped back and tried in vain to regain the momentum. In the midst of this epic battle, Beck, Paul, and the
gang rushed into the auditorium just in time to witness the first actual blow. Scott landed a blow from his saber to Crater's
mask, causing sparks and smoke to spew from it. Scott stepped back, and LT and Wodie stopped fighting to look. Every eye in
the room was on Crater to see his real appearance. As the smoke cleared, Scott and Ashlyn looked on in disbelief. “Harrison??”
“Yes, it is I.”
“But I thought you were dead?” asked Ashlyn. “Either way, I'm
still glad I married my Target.”
“Well, Ashlyn, I didn't really die when they told you I did. I left the
ways of the Wodi and joined the Smith. Chancellor Sulkatine helped me understand the true nature of the Draft, but Beck here,
my old master, tracked me down by order of Brother Gee and the Wodi Council, and fought with me. He left me with a severe
pimple and blackhead problem, which cannot be cured. Believe me, I have tried everything, but it has not worked.”
“Wodie,” said Beck in disbelief. “You've joined Crater?”
“Don't interrupt!” shouted Crater. “Ashlyn, I am your second
“I am Scott's cousin. I checked it out in the Imperial
Family Tree program.”
Wodie backed off from the argument and blended in with the crowd. “Crater,
I'm taking you out!” yelled Chip as he emerged from the midst of the wedding guests and tackled what he thought was
Crater. To his surprise, he had accidentally landed on Ashton Kutcher, who had planned to sing a love song for LT and Ashlyn.
“Ashton, I didn't know you were here – I've always been a great fan of yours. Can I have your autograph?”
“Sorry, kid – you've been Punk'd. Everybody else knew I was here but
you, and when I'm on official business, I don't do autographs.”
“Cut it out everybody,” shouted Crater. “If you guys don't cooperate,
I'll crud-kick every one of your buttocks until you won't be able to sit down for a week!” Crater then kicked Scott
to the ground and held his lightsaber spoon to his neck. “Mr. And Mrs. Loony Tune, come forward to me at this time.
If you don't, Scott's head will be on the ground separated from his body before you can say Wal-squiggly-Mart!”
Mr. and Mrs. Tune made their way towards Crater, Mr. Tune's left arm around her
waist, his right held on to his lightsaber spoon. “Drop your saber, Mr. Tune!”
“I am disinclined to acquiesce your request, Dark Tater.” Crater moved
his saber slightly closer to Scott's neck, drawing a bit of blood. LT dropped his saber. “I am definitely inclined to
acquiesce your request. In fact, I cannot stress to you enough how much I am inclined to acquiesce your request.”
Crater's blade retreated back into the shell and he hit Scott so hard with the
back of his fist, that Scott was rendered unconscious. LT and Ashlyn both cringed at the sound of the crack Crater's fist
produced when it made contact with Scott's jaw.
“All right, flyboy – let's get down to business,” said Crater.
“I plan to capture your wife, torture her, humiliate her, make her wish that she'd never been born, even cause her to
help the Empire grow into the far reaches of the galaxy. So stand aside.”
“Never. I cannot just stand aside and let you take advantage of my beloved
wife like that; my love for her forbids it of me. Let her go, and kill me instead.”
“My darling Target, no,” pleaded Ashlyn. “Don't do it –
that's what he wanted to begin with. Don't do it, I beg you!”
“I must, my love. Please, take your father, and go with Beck to his ship.
He'll keep you safe.” Then turning his attention to Crater, he declared, “Crater, I give my life in return for
her life and freedom from you.”
Crater, whose face was now in sight, was visibly moved by LT's love for Ashlyn.
“All right, Ashlyn, you may go. Take your father, and go.” Beck picked up Scott and, followed by Ashlyn and Onion,
made his way to the ship. Once he had secured them in the ship, and locked it up, he returned to the auditorium.
Behind them, in the auditorium, the Loony Tune stood before Dark Crater, knowing
death would come, but possessed no fear whatsoever. The women in the church closed their eyes, not wishing to see. Everyone
else looked on, cringing with the knowledge of what would happen next. Crater then took his green lightsaber, which Scott
had been using, and thrust it through the mouth of the Loony Tune, severely damaging his vocal cords. The Loony Tune showed
no sign of pain as he left this world, but spoke weakly these words: “Lord, gladly do I enter into Thy kingdom.”
After he had spoken these words, he fell to the floor, living no more.
“Alright, we're going,” spoke Crater cold and heartlessly. “Wodie,
Piett, let's go.” Piett followed after Crater, but Wodie stood defiantly in the midst of the crowd, unwilling to move.
“Wodie, let's go.”
“No,” said Wodie slowly. “When I joined you, I thought you had
the best intentions of the galaxy in mind, but not now, not after what you just did. I can't justify going with you after
you just cruelly and heartlessly murdered my friend. I shall not go with you, and I am henceforth your enemy. LT, even though
you aren't actually in that body that lays there on the floor, I say unto you, by Grabthar's hammer, by the Suns of Morvan,
you shall be avenged.”
Pastor Pilling stepped out in the midst of them and began to cackle with a very
evil sound. 'Hehehehehehehe. Very good, young Wodie. I have something that I must reveal to you. Hehehehehehe. I am the Lord
Emperor Sulkatine of the Intergalactic Empire and Dark Crater is my apprentice. Hehehehehe. I shall now take Beck and your
friends, young Wodie, with me, save for you, the dead one and the two he has died for, captive.” He ignited his crimson
lightsaber spoon and signaled for the Storm Troopers to escort them into his ship. He followed quickly after.
Anger flowed into Wodie's eyes as he stared coldly at Crater, thinking of his
friend, lifeless on the floor. Suddenly, he pulled out his lightsaber spoon and sliced Crater in half. Crater stared at Wodie
in confusion, not willing to believe what Wodie had just done. His torso fell backwards to the floor with a soft thump, staring
skywards in silent disbelief.